My hand turned me down
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
