just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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