I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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