So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
