highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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