I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
