i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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