my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You are a genius and a whore.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
