Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
