I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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