Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
