kristin has been a bad kristin
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
