enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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