Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
