just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
