think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
