Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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