You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I think my fart just growled at me.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
