Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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