Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
