My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
