$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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