If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
