she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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