Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
