Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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