I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
