I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
