You just made me feel so damn special
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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