SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
