Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
His nipple licking is glorious
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