I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
