took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
