thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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