I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
