Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
