She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
