So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
