So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
