If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize