when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
