There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
