mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Pants are for mortals
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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