??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
