Me. At least after what I've been through.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
