I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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