any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
