Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
