Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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