if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
