i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
