I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
