I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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