the new term for farting is butt boxing.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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