I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
