I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Shitshow foam night was such a success
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
