i just had sex bonerless
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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