it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
