Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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